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Corporal
punishment acted out in the form of a spanking
on your GameCube controller will not be tolerated.
The GC controller is a sensitive electronic device,
with more feelings than your Uncle George. If
you are having trouble playing a GC game, may
we suggest starting with our NES machine and working
your way up. |
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Please
do not play Tic-Tac-Toe in the pages of this GameCube
manual. If you do, certain important warnings
may be omitted from visual recognition which may
result in loss of limb, bad breath, a visit from
a fat ex-con or death (or perhaps all of the above).
Don't say we didn't warn you. |
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If
you are able to bend your GameCube disk (shown
actual size) like in the picture, may we suggest
you trace your roots. You may discover that you
were rocketed here from a dying planet and have
gained tremendous strength and powers from our
yellow sun, while living on our planet. |
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If
your controller starts to shake by itself when
no one is using it, that may be a sign of poltergeist
activity in your home. You may also experience
your kitchen chairs arranged in a pyramid or a
horribly disfigured apparition staring back at
you in the mirror. In either case, buy Luigi's
Mansion! It won't get rid of the undead, but it
will pass the time until demons kill you and your
family. |
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From
time to time, the GameCube will excrete a long
rectangular stool with a tape worm attached to
it. This is common. If this is the case, simply
wipe the posterior of the GameCube with a double
ply quilted toilet tissue and try not to panic
or become unglued. Think back to all the times
Godzilla ravaged our beloved Tokyo and find your
courage to continue living. |
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Many
game devices today offer extras like a DVD player.
The GameCube isn't an entertainment device, it's
a money maker! And now yours can be too with our
coin collecting piggy bank option. Simply open
the lid, deposit your change and the GameCube
will greedily lap it up. When you want your money
back, simply bust open the Cube with a hammer. |
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If
you purchase the ACME Super-powered Magnet (good
for catching RoadRunners) it may cause the GameCube
or other electronic devices such as Nuclear
defense systems, airplanes or can openers to
function improperly. The ACME magnet affects
all these devices within a 5000 mile radius,
so be careful.
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If
you remove the black circular lid on the GameCube,
a poisonous gas will be released killing all those
present. Software piracy is the number one reason
why the old man that runs this company with an
iron boot, isn't as rich as he thinks he is. It
was his idea about the gas. We think he's losing
it. Shhhh... |
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The
GameCube will not accept vinyl records that
your dad left out in the sun back in the 60's
when he was on some freaky acid trip, so don't
even bother trying. Any moron can tell that
33RPM LP's cannot be played in the GameCube
unless you buy the optional GameCube Record
Needle ($3000 yen).
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For
games that aren't working anymore, purchase our
optional GameCube Refuse Disposal Unit. It looks
like a GameCube, but it will mash your game disks
into a radioactive paste that you can use to shorten
your life span with. Comes in Indigo, Jet Black,
Orange and Glowing Green Death. |
