see Trump blame Martha Stewart for this one.
by Cole Smith
21, 2006 - Is
it possible to make it through one week of TV viewing
without hearing some reference to Donald Trumps hair?
You can make fun of the Duck
the Donald, all you want but nothing that Leno, Tina
Fey or John Stewart can say will make him any less
rich. But let's face it, we don't hate him because
he's rich, we hate him because he's arrogant. And
there's nothing better than watching him execute that
arrogance on a group of young, humorless, ass-kissers
that are all vying to become his human footstool.
losers, and let's face it the majority of them are
going to be losers since there is only one winner,
can be viewed weekly on the TV show The Apprentice.
It stars the Donald and a couple of his cronies which
include some middle-age hottie and some crabby old
bastard that looks like he just had a salt and vinegar
enema. I like this show because it's like watching
a train wreck from a distance - which means you don't
have to get involved. I don't ever want to be in the
boardroom with those morons and I'm sure that most
people don't. Which brings me to this game, The Apprentice,
for the PC. Before I even read the overview on the
back, I tried to imagine what could possibly make
this game interesting for me. Would it interest others
that really want to be on the TV show? Would I have
to work with an AI team? Are people going to get yelled
at? Would there be a multi-player online mode that
would allow two teams to compete against each other
for the love of Donald? I just couldn't wait any longer
and wrestled with the plastic for three minutes before
I finally went into the kitchen to get a knife. Damn
only is the Donald featured in this game but past
contestants are included as well including the devil-child
herself, Omarosa. Now you know things are getting
bad. How much worse can they get? Follow me on the
the start of the game you choose a character and then
a name for your five-person team. Your team will compete
against another five-member team at a series of tasks
that have absolutely nothing to do with marketing,
economics or strategy. These tasks are nothing more
than a collection of mini-games that you could download
for free on the net. There's a scrambled picture that
you have to put together. In another game, to manufacture
a particular product, you have to quickly fit various
pieces together that are traveling down an assembly
line. What does this have to do with being The Apprentice?
Nothing. These are tasks that might be administered
during an interview for a job at McDonalds - not to
help run a multi-billion dollar empire. To add insult
to injury there is a food-race mini-game in which
you assemble fast food and deliver it to customers.
This will be good training for anyone stupid enough
to enjoy this game because a job at McDonalds may
be the only career in their future.
of the mini-games hint at economics and free enterprise.
In one game you will purchase merchandise wholesale
and transport it to another part of town where you
will sell it retail for a profit. This is one of the
first business principals that crack dealers learn
so you know it can't be that difficult. The business
principals covered in this game are so simple and
unrealistic that I wonder if they shouldn't have put
Big Bird on the cover instead of "Big Nerd"
since this game seems to be clearly aimed at young
kids. There's no challenge in any of these mini-games
and you can complete all of the so-called challenges
in less than an hour.
you don't manage to win a challenge, you are an idiot.
But maybe you were just numb all over and couldn't
manage to even move your mouse or wipe the drool from
your chin. In any case you and two of your teammates
will be hauled into the boardroom for a face-to-face
with Trump and his moody little posse. They will interrogate
and berate you with questions. The only way out of
this is to literally twist their words by unscrambling
letters to form a business-related word. These words
don't answer Trump's questions but he seems pleased
that you're intelligent enough to know how to play
Apprentice has some of the worst production values
I've seen in a game in a long time. I've seen free
games that would kick this game's ass. The graphics
look as though they were composed using Flash. The
characters are terrible cartoon caricatures that display
little to no animation and have no charm whatsoever.
It's hard to tell if Trump actually did his own voiceover
for the game but it sounds like him if not a little
too sedate. The mini-games may control decently but
they look incredibly cheap. These are not the kind
of games that you want to dig into for the fun of
it. The only fun you'll have with this game is discovering
how terrible it really is. I can only thank God that
Martha Stewart's version of the Apprentice was cancelled
before it could be made into a videogame.
bottom line? The team responsible for this game should
be called into the boardroom and fired.
The Apprentice PC game, and be guaranteed an opportunity
to interview for a spot in the next Apprentice TV
business management sim that will appeal to MBA
types and entrepreneurs
stakes interpersonal conflict and drama with contestants
from the first three seasons that will appeal to
fans of the show
world challenges sponsored by actual companies
a custom contestant with business skills, personality
traits, and unique appearance
Apprentice is NBC's second most highly rated show,
#1 across all shows in adults, 18-49, with incomes
of $75,000 or more