Remember when videogame weren't supposed to be good for you?

Yourself!Fitness takes all the fun out of your PS2 as it tries to get you into shape. Hey, most of us gamers are in shape - the shape of the capital letter "O" - or at the very least, the small letter "b." So leave us the hell alone.

It's doubtful that many gamers will take this exercise regime seriously. It will likely be mothers that will be interested in it when they see it in Wal-Mart and realize that they can use one of their son's, Kyle, three PS2s. After all, she bought them all for him. He's got one in the living room, one in the rec room and one in his bedroom. She felt so sorry for him lugging that heavy thing around just so he could play it on the big screen TV when all of his "uncles" went home or passed out on the couch. After all, Kyle doesn't have a father around since mommy got caught playing games of her own with some guys from work.

Maya is the virtual trainer. She's everything most women aren't. She's happy, knowledgeable and in-shape. Take that Shelby and Dameia.

You'll learn things such as how to reach your target heart range. Hey, if my heart's still beating that's what I consider "in range." The program takes things into account such as weight, height, age and sex. I found out that I'm the perfect weight. Now all I have to do is grow another three-and-a-half feet. Ba' Ding! When it came to the age and sex thing, the program told me I was too old and I told it to %*&# off. Ba' Da' Ding Ding!!

There are 500 different exercises. Unfortunately it doesn't include getting off the couch to put the disk in the machine as one of them. That's more exercise than I usually get just watching TV with the remote duct taped to my wrist so my wife can't get at it. Sometime I'm even too lazy to get off the couch and drag over a crate of potato chips and a case of Pepsi. Besides, after all that eating and drinking I would just have to get up and go to the can eventually. We all know how exhausting that can be.

There are flexible stretching exercises that even Gumby couldn't do. I haven't seen my feet for 12 years. Not that I ever use them, mind you. If I got rid of them altogether I could actually nap on the loveseat. And that's one less pair of laundry items I would have to do.

After all this kidding around I actually took the game seriously for a week. Just to give it a chance. I couldn't believe the results. I was more active than I've ever been and I lost close to 20 pounds. Just kidding! I didn't do any of these exercises and I probably never will unless the doctor forces me to - and that's why I'm not making any appointments to see the doctor anytime soon. Out of sight, out of mind I always say.

Maya has a routine all laid out for me. She knows I'm a big boy and I need to get some cardio going. To tell you the truth, the pace of the routines is on the fast side. I would probably have a heart attack if I just jumped into this level of intensity. I would have to spend a few months getting in shape just to start getting into shape - and we all know that's not going to happen. Perhaps if I could just spend one whole day getting into shape I might be able to sacrifice nine hours. But if you think I'm going to spend six months jumping up and down and eating lettuce soup you can keep your size 34 pants. Man's new best friend is sweatpants. No matter how much you eat they always love you and never point out your flaws like jeans that force your shame to hang over the belt loops for all to see.

Now yoga is more my speed. I can sit and stare at my computer for hours with nary a thought in my head when I'm supposed to be constructing a review. But of course you aren't suppose to enjoy exercise and that's why you have to arrange your legs in an uncomfortable position like a polio victim. How am I suppose to think of nothing when my damn legs hurt like hell? All I can think of is how to murder Maya and get away with it. She doesn't really exist so I can't kill her. But if she doesn't really exist, why am I letting here put me through all this torture. Who's the idiot around here anyway?

I should qualify that last paragraph. It's based on a fantasy, "what if" premise. I didn't really put my legs in a funny position, I just imagined what it would feel like if I did. Imagination is priceless, for everything else there is reality.

I watched as Maya went through the entire ordeal, also known as a workout. She's so stupid she didn't even know that I was eating a plateful of crackers and cheese in a prone position. At the end of the workout she revealed how many calories I had supposedly burned. Not even enough to take care of my cheese and crackers micro-meal. What's the point? I don't have enough time in my life left to burn off my excess calories. Not unless I stopped eating right now - forever.

Maya is very well-rendered. She's smooth, sleek and lithe. I wouldn't mind having sex with her. Considering how stupid she is that just might be a possibility. I hope she likes cheese and crackers.

I imagine that anyone following the routines laid out here will reap some kind of physical benefits as well as a general state of well being. However, physically fit people with positive attitudes aren't welcome in my world. It's so damn easy to feel good when you're in shape - what the hell kind of challenge is that? What kind of critic would I be if I was always in a good mood? I've got a job to do here and I don't need any life-sustaining program to tamper with my professionally cultivated hostilities.

Yourself!Fitness isn't a game - it's a way of ruining someone's life.